For a letter of admission

For a letter of admission  

 By Ed Scholz

For a letter of admission the below is alright. However it would be much strong to give something you did for example from myself

 "one of the toughest and foolish achievements I made while in Japan was agreeing to be a guest DJ on an English radio station at a major university. At the time I did not know that the radio station has millions of listeners and was made aware of the fact moments before I went on air. I froze for seconds but with help of the host I was able to pull together a decent show for the ESL community. My reputation took a blow as did my pride but I learned to be better prepared and rather than shying away from future embarrassments I embraced risk as long as I could grow as both a person and an educator."

    This example is personal. It is a poor achievement actually, but the achievement was one of personal growth in narrative form. Pick something showing your strengths and tell the story. But it must show it is related to law - the above related to education.

     Your version is good but it does not take a specific event and show how it goes. The person you did notes for, how did it help them? How did it make you feel? Adjectives.. That being said what you have id ok.

I would recommend reading one of the books that I suggested in the past with sample letters of people who did get in law school. The good news your letter is better than the majority of them but the majority of them had very high LSAT and GPA.